Wednesday, May 27, 2015


My relationship with my dad is complicated.  I truley admire him.  He is an entrepreneur and someone who strives to do it all.  I adore that growing up our bookshelves were filled with books that were basically books on homesteading.  He can talk to anyone about anything and he rarely gets discouraged if someone says something rude in return.  He is humble about his intelligence but so smart.  One of my favorite things to do is work alongside my dad and just listen to him talk.  You can tell he is an observer of life and finds interest in the world.  He is tender hearted, prone to large amounts of tears when watching commercials.

But beyond this I don't quite know how to talk to my dad anymore.  He has changed a bit from when I used to live with him in ways that break my heart.  I truley feel I gained my trust in people and lack of harsh judgement from him and yet I've seen him become paranoid, putting locks on everything and feeling no one is to be trusted anymore.  I have heard him talk like there is no good in the world.  I often  believe he is depressed and though I have voiced this to a few people I know my dad trusts I feel there is little I can do then watch and hope he never opens his gun cabinet with the thought in his mind.  

I want my dad to be happy.  I know he struggles with self worth.  My dad was a state wrestler, he put a lot of value in his bodies abilities and he knows he has limitations now.  My dad was homecoming king, he had and has many admirers but he is more of an introvert than people realize, he would much rather alone for long periods than with others.  This doesn't keep people close and he notices this but doesn't realize why they don't stay.  

I also want my dad to think beyond himself like he used to.  I think this is something a lot of people with depression go through, a lot of self-centeredness because they want to be happy and they can't get there.  To this day my dad complains about a father who never told him he was loved and yet, he doesn't see that he himself has become this father.  Every "I love you" I mutter is answered with "yep".  That feeling I had as a child that he would throw himself in front of a bus to save me is gone.  Sometimes I think if I was hit by that bus he wouldn't be thinking about me, but how awful life was for him that a daughter died before him, but also "she didn't really wasn't around much anyway, except when she needed something."  It's hard to feel like this is the way he thinks of me and not know how to change it.  He isn't interested in just hanging out with so much on his to do list.

I guess one major thing I am really saddened by is his role as a grandpa.  I was expecting more.  Today I was realizing how I'm sure he doesn't really know how to be a grandpa.  My grandpas both died when I was very young so he never saw one in action.  And I don't think he was raised with much contact with his grandparents.  So I shouldn't be surprised that he is constantly more worried that he will scare them than he is in noticing how much they adore him.  He keeps his distance, refusing to hold them as infants and saying "he doesn't like me," when they cry.  I always hoped my kids would feel the same love I had felt as a child from my dad, and even more.

I love my dad.  I hope I see him rise out this behavior, that he doesn't become that grumpy old man that I never imagined he would become.  I hope he finds happiness somehow, trust in the world again. I hope he says "I love you." sometime, to one of my kids.

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Nyc/DC vacation

Bryce left for nyc two Saturday's ago and for one week I plowed through life as a single parent, he'll bent on changing life as we know it when Bryce gets back.  Needless-to-say life with two kids has somewhat distanced Bryce and I and we were not slowing ourselves down to enjoy one another.  

Then came the following Saturday where we did just that.  I went to nyc without the boys to spend 5 days with just Bryce.  It was just what we needed.  We found so much joy in one another's presence and less and less fault in ourselves and each other every day.

Here is the run down.  

Day 1:  I got to NYC around 2.  We hung out with Ted and Mason.  Mason went swimming and we took delight in watching our 6-year-old nephew swim and cannon ball and be just an amazing little boy.  Then we went out to dinner with them for some more family conversation.  Ted is such a great dad and it showed while we were there.  Bryce and I finished the night by going to the Broadway musical "a gentlemens guide to love and murder" suggested to us by cheri and Jonathan.  We had fantastic seat, the kind where you see the sweat droplets and Broadway suddenly seems so real.  The show was hilarious!!!  Totally worth seeing if you ever find yourself in NYC.  

Day 2:  We started with breakfast at the apt with Ted and Mason.  I really wanted to go boating so we walked across Central Park with Mason on his scooter.  However the boats were not yet out for the season.  So we looked at the Alice in wonderland statue, watched some toy sailboats and walked back.  Then we went down to Goldman Sachs where Ted works and he showed us his office area.  It was pretty impressive with a smart elevator and great views.  It was right beside the new World Trade Center, which will open for visitors at the end of the month, and the memorial which we visited after getting lunch.  Ted and Mason then went to the park and we tried to decide what to do eing it was Mother's Day.  We decided to go to another show, Wicked.  Our seats were not bad, but far enough away it seemed more Broadway.  The show was great though.  Prior to the show we also went to Rockefeller center and couldn't resist the lego shop, even without link.  We ate at rosa Mexicana, a favorite or ours near their apt and then got to see Lori when she came back from California that evening.

Day 3: We took off early to hop on the bolt bus down to Washington, D.C..  The bus ride was about 4 hours, but nice.  There was some wifi and lots of time to relax.  When we go to union station, we went to our hotel, the w.  The w is a kind of rock star hotel.  We stayed in one if san fransico once and there were funky Buddhas everywhere, in DC, it was funky presidential things.  The hotel was right next to the White House and the rooftop bar was open and the view of the mall was fantastic.

Day 4:  We met a high school friend of mine, Tyler Lechtenberg, at the White House for a private tour.  He is a speech writer for the Obamas and actually could only accompany us half of the tour because he had a meeting with the First Lady that afternoon.  There were no pictures and it was a work day so the west wing was closed, but we got to see the east wing and the main floor of the White House center.  Tyler's tour was casual and one do funny.  "This thing is cool" etc.  

We had a little more time before we had to journey back so we walked to the mall and popped into the American history museum.  We weren't sure what was there, but we were delighted to find the Washington God statue and Julia child's kitchen.

At Union Station that afternoon we boarded the Bolt Bus again.  I'm not sure if he told me then or not that a bolt had caught fire that morning or not, but either way I'm glad we got on because our other option was Amtrak.  Midway through the trip Bryce saw on the news that train had jumped the track and people had died.  So weird having just passed them hours prior s they lined up to board.

Day 5:  my birthday.  We stayed that night with Bryce's editor, John Biggs and family.  We talked a little with his wife, Asia who had just left her job and then went to park slope to meet Bryce's friend Laura, who had just left her job.  Later that day we realized these two worked together and quit together.  Small world.  Before meeting Laura and her adorable, two-year-old Wade, we took breakfast at this cute chain restaurant or Belgium quinine.  We also went to a couple of toy stores and I picked out a push puppet for my birthday present.  We went to a book store and when we entered Bryce told me he knew the cashier.  I told him he didn't, but he decided to introduce himself anyway.  Turns out they did know each other, though this was the first time they ever met.  Phillip is a write Bryce has illustrated for, he even writes limericks for "wait, wait, don't tell me".  When Bryce introduced himself, Phillip jumped up and gave him a hug.  After those small shops where I was in heaven (I should open a children's book and toy shop, I adore them so much) we walked around prospect park and then up to a pie shop to meet Laura.  I had birch beer float pie which was great.  Bryce had a lemon chess.

Then, we went home

Tuesday, May 5, 2015


LI must have been a pagan in a past life because when I read anything about holidays and such I'm like, yeah, I know.  I asked a Wiccan friend of mine for some references for festivals and such and she gave me the title, circle round.  I love this book.  And one line that I resonated with were the most important holidays being Halloween and May Day, which just happen to be my two favorite holidays.  

Beltane is another word for May Day and the Mother Earth and green man (Robin Hood) are celebrated as spring arrives and fertility is among us.  This year to really celebrate link and I made May Day baskets and snuck them on doorsteps, read the story of the maypole, did flower identification, left milk out for the fairies and went to a fairy festival with pleasant valley villagers.

Link and his fairy teepee

Building the winter effigy with Daniel rotto

Liz leading the children in songs.  She has a natural talent for this.

The maypole dancers lying under,diamonds in the sky formation

Felix decorated in face paint

Chasing the green man

The daffodil crown I made for myself