Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Me and my nose

Besides smell there is one other thing that my nose is known for. Bleeding. I always had a bloody nose at school. I bleed the day my period starts. My nose bleeds if someone playfully squeezes my nose (always freaking out the unexpecting soul). My nose bleed in Hawaii when I went snorkeling. I wasn't even swimming yet. I just put my head under water and the pressure was too much. My nose bleed from crying to hard in Germany when I was lost and alone. I passed out from all the blood loss and hit my head on the bathroom door.
Now I have another problem. My nose is bleeding from the force of my vomiting. I don't usually throw up. I only remember two times in my life ever up chucking. But now it is a regular habit and my nose is not liking it. What do you do when you need to tip your head back or at least put a tissue around your nose when you are face down in the toilet? It is my newest problem.
In other news, I am not sure when you start to feel the baby move, but I am getting little sharp pains in different part of my belly. It may just be my uterus growing, but I like to think it is the little one's 1/4 inch foot pushing against my tummy.
I don't want to eat anything and yet until I eat something I am usually spinning around the room. I have been doing all the old tricks and now I almost gag at the sight of ginger ale and soda crackers.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Snapple Fact

The average smell weighs 760 nanograms.

My smells weigh a lot more these days. Nothing makes me sick, but everything is strong. Opening the fridge is an adventure. Every smell wafting together. Morning breath is killer. On Christmas it was epoxy from a gift my dad made. I smelt it all day long.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

My bad; plus, thoughts on being a dad

We went to a place in Cedar Rapids to see about signing up for lamaze classes and other stuff. The lady there was very encouraging and pointed us toward some more resources like doulas and another area midwife.

We went to CR because I lost the keys to the car and we missed our first appointment with our doctor in Waterloo. By the time I found the keys (in the snow by the car) it was too late to get there in time. I felt terrible about it, because we were going to get the first ultrasound and see our baby. So I called to reschedule (for early January), and it seems that we wouldn't have gotten an ultrasound at that appointment anyway, which was news to us. So I'm going to call back and make sure that we will have one at this next appointment, because we're not feeling a lot of communication here.

I'm kind of nervous about being a dad. I'm afraid that I won't be a good enough disciplinarian, that our kid will run wild and get into more trouble than s/he can handle (I mean in the course of childhood/adolescence - how much trouble can an infant get into?). I want to strike the right balance between being compassionate and strict. I know I'll love the kid. I just want my love to benefit him/her, not be a hindrance.

this tiny body is see-through

"Phantom Anthills" by Chad VanGaalen

This tiny body is see-through
I caught it swimming inside of you
It might be trying to haunt you
It's barely there and it's lighter than air

but no one knows
but no one knows

Goes to sleep right beside you
You were there as it swims through your hair
Could it be dreaming about you?
Could it be dreaming about you?

but no one knows
but no one knows

Bowl full of smelly jelly

I'm getting super disappointed about birth options. First of all I don't like any hospital I have interviewed. As far as midwifes I have loved talking to them on the phone but they are terrible at returning calls and e-mails. Maybe because they are super busy with babies, but geez, pregnant girls got worries.
There was a fabulous doula I meet with in Cedar Rapids. She was excited to hear I was doing a home birth and gave me the name of another midwife who I will call soon. She did inform me that lay midwifes are not legal in Iowa, which is confusing. I need to just go live in Wisconsin or Iowa for a month.
Another disappointing thing is I wanted to sign up for lamaze classes and such and everywhere I go they say I need to wait. I'm ready now and this pregnancy seems to be going really fast, but everyone says isn't moving at the same speed. It could be because there needs to be a build up of interested people before they have classes, being that our towns are not huge.
I am now at 12 weeks and should be having my first appointment with a midwife, but I haven't found one yet. On top of that I still think I might be turned out because of my weight. Everything I read says you need to be healthy to have a home birth. I consider myself healthy, I exercise daily, I am never sick (minus the baby sickness), and I eat healthy food, yet I carry every pound I eat on my body and that might be a problem. I'm not sure.
One positive thing is that I have not gained any weight yet. And with the baby only weighing 1/2 an ounce I shouldn't. Although sometimes the lack of weight makes me wonder if the little sprout is in there. I also wonder if I will have the nice rounded belly with the excess weight or if I will just look really fat.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Today's Topic: Boobs

I noticed some sensitivity right at the beginning, but not much more. I haven't even noticed much of a change in size, although maybe because I already am so big I there is room to expand inside. The only difference I notice is instead of just nipping out, my whole areola rises to the occasion. They look crazy.

A co-worker told me she started leaking before the baby was born. Another friend told me the baby actually doesn't get milk the first few times because it is the sucking action that brings it forward. So I am confused as to when the milk actually comes.

Friday, December 26, 2008

I decided to be more positive

I am being such a grouchy bear, so I am making a change. I am being nicer.
Hopefully the karma will work it's way over to baby and my body.

I figured since I am complaining so much about sickness, I would stop, yet still comment on what my body is going through in a more positive way.

Today's topic: Food Cravings
I have lived most of my life craving certain food at different times of my life. Once in college I searched high and low for sugar cookies with pink frosting. That is not even a taste, that's a color. Well, I'm in week 12 and I have yet to have any craving. The only thing I seem to want to eat is bland food. Also I am not liking hardly any vegetables. I eat mostly potatoes and pasta, all plain. I am drinking ginger ale but everything sugary is leaving that sticky sweet taste in the back of my throat so I prefer milk. As an added bonus I stopped caffeine immediately (no coffee or pop) and have started drinking plain water more often. Which is a shocker for everyone who knows me on an intimate level (I usually hate water).

I have been eating mint to calm me, but that has been my stomach unsetteler several times so I wonder if I will be taking this out of my diet.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Second Appointment gone

We were to have our second appointment on the 23 but instead Bryce lost the keys to our vehicle and by the time he found them (in the snow) our appointment was long over. Instead we still took the day off to go to Cedar Rapids to finish shopping and visit a place called "Birth, Baby, and Beyond." I was figuring it was a lot like the place in Boston where we went for baby CPR and it is but about 10 times smaller We did get some helpful information however and signed up for some classes later on.
Things are going pretty well. I am still on the toilet more than I would like to be and have a bit of an upset stomach, but I hope it will all go away soon.
I am really hating work. I miss Naomi so much. I think the other two I work with are talking about me negatively. I am worried how much of a pay drop I might take in switching jobs. I really just want a freelance job where I make $20 an hour or more.
I can anticipate when the new editor comes the girls will either blame my happiness (if it is there) on the fact that I am in a new position or in my second trimester. Anyway, I am getting to that stage where I don't want to go to work anymore, which I thought I would never have working at the newspaper.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Add one more to the list

Today I woke up with a new system, a cold sweat. I have never had this symptom ever before. It accompanied the most toxic feeling in my stomach ever.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

I've got legs! Have you?

Shannon just told me that in its development right now, our baby is gaining the sense of its arms and legs. The term for this sense is proprioception, which I learned earlier this year. I think I read about a woman in Oliver Sacks' book The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat who suddenly lost her proprioception and was only able to move her body when she was looking at it (her story is described on the Wikipedia page).

So thank goodness for proprioception, eh?

My day

Barf, Barf, Nose Bleed, Barf, Barf, Barf, Headache, Headache, Barf, Sleep

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

The road to recovery

Still getting fever headaches, upset stomach, and gassy, but I see the finish line and I am running towards it. I am thinking the first half of 2009 is not going to be plagued with symptoms, just uncomfortable movements and sleeping.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

My most vulnerable moment

One thing has been consistent ever since I got pregnant, even the two weeks before I found out. I have sudden and fast bowel movements. All my books tell me is ways to avoid constipation and that is the complete opposite problem I have. Today was the worst. Besides being on the toilet for most of the day, I also became incontinent while talking a walk. Fortunately, Bryce was my shinning knight. He got me quickly to a bathroom and came back with a fresh change of clothes. Now I'm afraid to go to sleep or be to far from a toilet. I feel weak.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Lets squash the worry bugs

Thanks to my mother I worry like it's breathing. My mom carries all her worry out front, I pack it away, except when it is something I just can't get over, like this baby. This week I was doing so well. Trish told me her birth story, Dani told me about how excited she was driving to the hospital both times to deliver. I read an incredible chapter on laboring in Birthing Within. Then today, wamm. It can't get close enough to our appointment on the 23rd. I need to see and hear this little fetus. I think because so many people know now I am worried that it will be my luck to misscarry. If it is not one thing to worry about it's another. This is how pathetic it is, today I spent a good 5 min or so staring at crap in the toilet wondering if I possibly aborted. Thank God I realized there probably would be placenta and arms and legs at this point, before I picked anything up. I also have taken more than four pregnancy tests just to make sure the little one is still there during the course of the three months. If my anxiety transfers to this kid it is going to come out shaking.

Friday, December 12, 2008

The baby bookshelf

1. Birthing from Within. Pam England. My favorite by far. It is all about emotions and making art. It starts with worry which I think is the first thing that was in my head, so it meet me at the door smiling.

2. The Spirit of Pregnancy. A collection of short stories and poems by published authors. This blog has some of the assignments posted. I was doing it as my regular meditation, but I realized I was getting to far ahead of myself and needed to slow down. No quikening happening yet. I borrowed this from Trish, but bought my own copy because I liked it so much.

3. Raising Baby Green- A signed copy by Mr. Greene himself. We are using it more for remodeling advice in our home than much baby stuff at the moment. The one chapter on pregnancy is eating organic, which we do occasionally. Much easier in the summer when we have the farmers market and clear roads that can take us to the Decorah Co-Op. I hate that just when I wanted Strawberries SOO bad, they went out of season, to the point they are not even at Walmart, the master of giving you everything you want at any cost.

4. Pregnancy for Dummies- Joanne Stone. Pretty practical stuff. More like a dictionary than a good read. Some of their charts and graphs are very helpful.

5. What to Expect when you're Expecting- Eisnberg. All my hippie moms I hang with hate the book, but I still have a little bit of mainstream in me. The book is a lot like Pregnancy for Dummies. Scares you more than anything, but it does have some answers to questions you can't find other places.

6. Meditations during Pregnancy- It's upstairs and I'm not in the mood to go get it just for the authors name. It is a weekly meditation with some suggestions to do. There is a 20 minute cd to listen to with guided meditation. Bryce and I have been doing it together and it is really nice. The only thing I dislike is the tense. I dislike reading books that say "Now I am in my 10th week and I am feeling the weight of my growing breasts." How accurate can that be for all women? However, I still ike the book

7. Mother Rising- Cortlund. I actually have not started this book yet.

8. Wise Woman Herbal Childbearing Years- Susan Weed. Another borrow from Trish. It's like an herbal book for all that is going on during and after pregnancy. I haven't gotten to far into it because I am not well versed in where to actually get many of these herbs.

This is all for now. I have had several other suggestions, just have not gotten to them yet. There is so much to digest, but I have six more months so not a problem. Book club only gives me one month.

Thanks for the ginger ale suggestion, I had it at work today and I have not been feeling bad since. And I haven't eaten ten thousand crackers either.


Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Hey Mamas, I have a questions

I'm in week 10, I thought this was suppose to be going away, but maybe it is not morning sickness, maybe I can just feel my body too much. Does this feeling like some foreign object is growing inside you ever leave? I feel like I want to throw up all the time, even though I can't. My whole stomach just feels icky. I am ok for about an hour in the morning but soon after I am at work I get light headed so I grab a cracker or something, but then I feel yucky from the food. I feel like it is never going to leave?

New things about you

This week you are 1.5 inches. You are now a fetus ("Little one"). I think I will begin calling you little one today. Your tail is gone and your nose is here. Love you.

Meeting the Midwife

Last night the midwife I sought out called. She was able to answer a boatload of questions. I will have another appointment at Waterloo and if I don't have multiples or diabetes I am going to begin appointments with her. She is in Decorah and sounds very cool and experienced. She also gave me several video, book, and class recommendations.
She said Waukon is a friendly home birth hospital so if I want a place as an emergency option that is an excellent source.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Family Told

This weekend my mom's family got together, I guess for a late Thanksgiving or something. Anyway, John Giunta asked if I was pregnant and I had already committed to if anyone flat out asked me I would say yes so now my family knows. Bryce wanted to make sure his family knew as well so he called his parents, though he has yet to tell Joy and Kate. Actually he is doing it now. It is a lot easier now keeping the secret. It might not be so hard if my family wasn't around so much, but with the holidays I am seeing everyone.

I am realizing something as we tell people the news. Everyone thinks they know for some odd reason. Betsy said she knew because Bryce and I were holding hands in Kentucky. We always hold hands. I guess it is kind of like getting stuff not on your registry when you age married. You don't know what bothers you until after it has happened to you. I will stop saying that to people if they tell me. Though don't worry if you have.

Friday, December 5, 2008

More news on the homebirth

I talked with Ann Osmundson today. She had her 7th child at home near Elkader. She had a lot of helpful information. My main concerns with home birth are:

1. Is it legal- While internet is back and forth, the actual word of mouth is yes.

2. Am I too remote- Ann's midwife was from Cedar Rapids did not make it to her birth. I am 30 minutes away or more from any birthing center and the closest ones are not very reputable.

3. Where can I find a midwife and what about appointments- Cedar Rapids and Trish gave me an e-mail for one in Decorah. I do like my clinic in Waterloo however. Maybe I will do a few more appointments with them until I am sure.

There are several reasons why I want to do a home birth:

1. I don't want hardly anyone around, especially someone I hardly know.
2. I don't want to feel rushed or like I am doing something wrong
3. I want to deliver in whatever position feels comfortable
4. I want to have Bryce and I do the majority of everything
5. I think it is more natural

There are a lot more reasons, but I need to be sure I am doing what Bryce and I feel most comfortable with.

Bryce and I are saps

I'm not sure if you can open this or not but this video of a friend of mine made both Bryce and I tear up.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008


So I'm feeling better but I don't like that either. When I'm sick I know your in there sucking my life away. When I'm not sure you are.
Tonight I got scared about money. I am stepping down from my position as editor because I am barely surviving the workload and demands alone I don't feel like I can do it at all when you get here. But if we want to stay home with you Bryce and I are going to have to be cutting back even more. So you will have your own costs but also your own time away from work costs. Wow, it gets expensive fast. But there are a lot of single parents who do it with 3-4 kids so we can do it with 1. In addition you are going to be so adorable I can hardly wait to spend all my time and money on you.
I'm still nervous about birthing. But again it a thing that is like, "if that woman can do it, I can do it."

Sunday, November 30, 2008

A new baby

Last night I had a dream that Phil and Teresa had a baby and announced the name was Valarie. I jokingly said "that is a funny name for a boy" and Bryce said "Well, that is what they chose." I had thought I was making a joke because it was a girl. Today they called and announced they are pregnant. I told them about the dream and they said they were just recently looking at names from 90 years ago and many of the boys names are now girls.
They are due a week after us. There are going to be a lot of July birthday babies. I guess we all find October the relaxing time to get it on.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

This week

We took the day off on Tuesday for our first doctor visit and I am a bit more reassured about having a hospital birth. I totally loved our nurse. Our baby seems to be a two days before the holiday baby. Announcing herself two days before Halloween, 1st appointment two days before Thanksgiving, next appointment two days before Christmas.
The nurse asked me if I had thrown up, which I proudly reported I had not and then the next day I did. I am now in the worse part of pregnancy and all my resources say it may be three weeks before I get rid of this "flu." I hate it soooo much.
Thanksgiving was hard with all the smells. In front of everyone except Bryce my mom joked "You're pregnant," which made me really mad because what a way to ruin any announcement. I am pretty sure most of my family knows from my sickness all week, but we still aren't officially announcing it yet.
My hormones must be at an ultimate high because I am hating everyone lately, most especially the people I love the most.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

First Appointment

I had my first appointment, but it was more like a welcome to the family and here is all the stuff we want you to read. The ultrasound for the heartbeat and such will be at 12 weeks in December.
We loved our nurse thought. She was great and I am feeling better about the hospital, but I will talk to Kim. Thanks Jazz (I think that was you, your profile says me).

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Today I fell

Today I read all about enhanced clumsiness and a sense of balance being off, but that isn't until you are four months or so. Then while helping clean the Opera House I fell on those big grand stairs and landed in the corner of the door going outside. I'm glad we have an appointment on Tuesday because I am worried about the baby although I never landed on my stomach and I feel no discomfort. What does feel uncomfortable is the side of my face, my wrist, and my shoulder which are all swelling. I thought I had broken my glasses because I smashed the side of my face into the corner of the door and they fell off but just the frame is gently scuffed. Err. I feel so dumb. I should have turned the lights on.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Searching for birth options

So today while googling for birth options in classes in Iowa, I got mixed results as to whether or not home birth is illegal in Iowa. Or if it is but midwifes are not legal? I am confused and if that is the case, how awful? I feel like my rights are being taken away from me. What if I just refuse to go to the hospital. How will they deny my home birth than?

Today I am also a little panicky about being pregnant. I thought it would be great, but thus far I am just tired and sick. It is like a ride that I can not get off and on again. Someone help I am stuck on this roller coaster for almost 200 more days.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Oh my God

I was looking up Fun Baby Clothes and this is what I find!?!?

Spirit of Pregnancy Assignment 11

In what ways has your relationship to children and babies changed? What places or landscapes are you consciously and unconsciously taking your baby in utero? Why?

My relationship to children has changed that when I see a baby I am more drawn to it, although I do not see many. Teenagers seem younger to me than ever before. I am taking my baby to holiday parties and activities, but we mostly like to stay home and grow. In my mind we are already in school, already being born. Why? Because those are the areas where I still haven't prepared myself. How do I want to deliver this child? How do I want to teach this child? These questions I have not made up my mind about and fear I will not be able to before the moment comes. Plus I am worried that the wrong mistake in this area could lead to problems for another life other than my own that I am truley responsible for.

I want to deliver a natural birth in the comfort of my own home, with my husband leading the way, but I am afraid we are too far from a hospital that delivers in case I need help. But I do not want to go to a hospital and have them give me a cesarian because it is easier and I am overweight. Never before has my weight bothered me in this way and now I am not in the right condition to lose it.

As with education, I want my child to have a great education that encourages, such as a montessori or waldorf, but there are not schools close by. I want to homeschool, but I do not want my child to resent the lost social interactions. Also, what will my child think seeing the children walk by daily as we live next door to the public school.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Spirit of Pregnancy Assignment 10

What feels sensual and sexual to you pregnant? What aspects of our relationship to men has changed? How is "mother-energy" manifesting in your life?

I have always had a good sex drive. One that Bryce hasn't even been able to keep up with at times. Being pregnant I have not lost it, but it is weaker, mostly because of sickness and tiredness, not because the urge is not there. I feel more in love with Bryce now than a month ago. I have always been attracted to other men and women, but it hasn't increased like stories say. I suppose it will later on. The mother energy is only telling me to slow down.

Snorkel and abs

Now you look like a seahorse little one. I think those are little nostrels forming at the end of your snout and you must have grown another internal organ because you look like you have washboard abs. Love you.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Thoughts at week seven

I just caught up on reading everything Shannon has written because I have wanted to write some myself. (Her last line made me realized I have put it off.)

I am so looking forward to this child. I feel like Shannon and I have a lot of love to offer since we have so much love for each other. No matter what fears we might have, we know that s/he will not lack love. That's important.

I need to be reading the same books that Shannon is so we can talk about things and be on the same wavelength. Shannon justly made fun of my brother Phil a little for referring to baby books all the time, but those were mostly practical things he was referencing. I want to do everything we can to make the baby's transition into the world go well - but I also don't want to overthink it and make things more stressful.

Next week is our first doctor's appointment. I'm looking forward to it. I'm kind of expecting the doctor to just tell us everything that Shannon's already figured out from reading about pregnancy.

I can't wait till we get to tell all our family and friends. I can't wait seven more months!

Spirit of Pregnancy Assignment 9

How has the being inside you called to you? How have you called back? What are you doing "just in case" for the sake of this being? What are the difficult or challenging emotions you are coping with regarding sharing your body with this being? When did you find yourself hopelessly in love or totally committed to the baby?

My little one called to me by coming during a time of great love and compassion Bryce and I had. The soul chose us when I was starting to feel hopeless. I have called back with gratitude and by immersing myself in the process. I love holding my husband at night and realizing there are three of us together. I love thinking about doing things with the baby with me. Sometimes I don't like sharing my body because I don't like the constant feeling of discomfort. It is like a sickness which I may have for 9 months. I hope the ill feelings top before then. I am not yet hopelessly in love with the baby, but I am in love with the soul that lies in there. I am just sad Bryce is not being more involved with the process.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Spirit of Pregnancy Assignment 8

What does naming mean to you? Reflect on your own name.

I don't name many things. Some of my friends name everything that has character, I only name things that have breath. Bryce and I both enjoy our names, they are unique enough that not everyone has them, but they are not out of the ordinary. One thing I like about both of our names is that they were first names of natural wonders, Bryce Canyon and the Shannon River. It would be nice to continue this pattern, but I am not sure we will. I like thinking of names because it almost like an art project. Names can be tricky because they can sometimes cause negative effects. Because I was never able to successfully nick name myself from my name I like names that have nick names. I also like names that unite siblings, names that reflect our families, names that reflect our interests, names that are of the earth, names that relate to a middle name. Bryce and I already have favorites for our child. For years we have been set on Lincoln (Link) for a boy, and this year we have leaned torward Willamina (Willa) after my dad, for a girl, although we do like some other names. I am still glad we still like Link because we had Liz and Lewis rename there dog when they took our idea and applied it to the little pup. I want to have a name ready that is non gendered in case we have a child with both genders. I know it seems ridiculous, but I have a strong place in my heart for mixed gendered people and their struggle. If it happened to us, which it does to one in every 22,000, I want to be prepared. Another thing that I have thought about is naming the child in a Native American fashion, either adding or naming the child when they are ready, something that describes them. It is somewhat silly to name something before it tells you its name, but that is also sometimes hard for many people to understand.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Morning has broken

Knock on wood I have been less sick these three days. Less pulling at the abs. This little one has just grown hands and he or she already knows how to grab my ab muscles and pull them hard.
Other body talk that I am not sure if it is related to pregnancy is increased allergies, and very dry nose, mouth, etc.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

this was the night

big beard in the sunset, originally uploaded by Shannon Marye.

This is what we looked like the night you were conceived.

Spill the beans

I have got to stop reading all this pregnancy stuff because it is all I can talk about. Tonight my mom came and without telling her I was pregnant we talked about breast feeding, doctors, nutrition, and me wanting out of my job and her doing daycare. Ahhh, I am coming way to close. Why can't I keep anything a secret.

Spirit of Pregnancy Assignment 7

How have you been affected by remembrances and anticipation in your life? Has pregnancy changed or enhanced how you deal with past, present, and future, or how you hope to teach your baby to do it?

I have a lot of anticipation in my life. I feel like I am lazy or I am just putting to much energy into a life I don't want. I want to be an artist, but I feel like I have no time. If I feel like I have no time, how is that going to change when I have a child and how will I teach them to value the arts when my sculptures have changes to house decorations.

I would like to work at a job where I am busy just on the weekends or a few weekends. I would like to have all day to work on what I want and spend time with my child. I need to become a photographer or a dj or something. I worked hard to get Bryce into a job similar to this. One that he can work from home on and on his own time, but I kind of ignored myself to do it. Not that I am a huge self sacrificer, but what will this teach my baby?

I have a high hopes for parenting that I feel is going to be crushed by the life I have now. My own hopes for life, traveling, making art, directing plays are all crushed with my lifestyle now. I haven't been able to travel for more than three days in a year. How will I be able to spend as much time with my child and be involved like this. Grrr, I need a life change.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Secret Cravings

Well it isn't really a secret but I am craving salty meat more than anything else. Sausage, eggs, goose liver, etc. But one secret it that I already bought pregnancy pants. I am sure people don't start wearing them until month 5 or something but I am so bloated I don't want to walk around with my unbuttoned pants all day. I don't have sweats and no "husband pants" are going to fit me. So there.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Spirit of Pregnancy Assignment 6

Are you aware of any way your identity as a woman feels different now that you're pregnant? How is your relationship to other women changing? How do you respond to being given advice about pregnancy? Is it different from how you respond to advice in general? What words of advice would you secretly like to hear? If you could look down on yourself "like an owl" what would you see?

I no longer feel like a young women, I feel like I am slowly turning into all those other people I see. I feel like I will be talking more with other mom's in the neighborhood, as if my childlessness has separated me thus far. (Even though almost all of my female friends around here have at least one child.) The women at work are treating me different, giving me advice and blaming a lot of things on the pregnancy, which I don't really like. This is normally how I respond. There are certain people I like to hear things from. People I admire and trust. One of the things I like about them is the willingness to give minimal advice unless asked, yet they are willing to share their stories. It is nice. I also feel like every woman knows. Like Leslie realizing I wasn't drinking alcohol or caffine. The words I would secretly like to hear is that my child will be fine and everything I do is fine. I don't need to worry about miscarriage or letting people know that I am pregnant. I can have a home birth without a problem, I don't have to go to a hospital. I will be an excellent mom, cool and yet still myself. I want to be more inspired as an artist. If I could look down on myself I would see a tired person who wants a vacation.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Spirit of Pregnancy Assignment 5

Make up a song or chant for you and your baby. In it, give yourself and your baby special names of epithets.

I opened the door to welcome you and you entered in
I chose the place and you chose the time
I built you a nest and in it you lie, warm and soft in your egg

You are Link, the special bond connecting me and him
You are Ruby, the precious gem I keep hidden in a safe place
You are Willa, Oliver, Eve
Jasper, Oak, Cloud and Sky
Child of the Earth, Moon, and Stars
You are mine, the Creators, One with those that created me


Today on the Ticker, Week 6, you grew hands and feet. You no longer look like a terd, as your dad says, but more like a dolphin. You are making me very sick. I just want to lie down all the time. I have no energy for anything and no appetite yet I feel light headed every mealtime so I know you are hungry.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Spirit of Pregnancy Assignment 4

In the first trimester when it isn't certain if the pregnancy will hold, we celebrate how this presence had already altered our lives and identities forever. Right now, how are you already "forever with child"?

This question scares me because in the back of my mind I am always thinking you are gone. For three days I haven't had a bowel movement and you use to make me run to the bathroom every day. I am peeing often but not in large quantities. My boobs don't hurt today. So either my body is adjusting or you aren't collecting from me anymore?

However, I will be forever with child because you our the first and you were made with such love. I will always remember the way I felt when I first found out, the excitement I still having bubbling in me, the love I have for my husband, and the body movements you make. I am so excited to welcome you to the world and hear your heart beat in two weeks. Yay!

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Spirit of PRegnancy Assignment 3

What promises have you already made to the baby-to-be? What promises have you already broken or anticipated breaking> Describe a scene you imagine in the future with you baby. What scene or aspect of mothering do you feel difficult to imagine?

I have promised to make sure he/she always feels beautiful and loved. I have made a pledge to try to be carefree and let the child develop without pressure to be who he/she is not. The promises I will probably break are being completely understanding. I fear I will think my mom was right and lose the thoughts and empathy I have for teenagers.
I imagine going sledding and playing in the basement. I can not see myself (though I know it will happen) saying "Find someone else to do that with you" and "Go play in the basement."

Today I asked the baby to be born with Bryce's toes.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Spirit of Pregnancy Assignment 2

What do you dream at night? Has your sense of time changed? Reflect on ways you feel invaded by pregnancy and ways you feel protective toward the presence of life forming? What about food? What were your former and pregnant relations to it. How do you speak in ways that nourish yourself and others?

Wow, this one has a lot of questions. Yes I dream a lot at night now, and mostly about sex. My sense of time has changed to when the weeks use to fly by the days seems to take forever now and I am so tired at around 2 or 3. I am done for the day. I also wake up a tad bit earlier. Makes me feel like moving our open hours from 9-5 might have been a mistake. My pregnancy does not feel like and invasion but a welcome happening. Although I would like to be able to not feel like I need to crap my pants every day and then when I am on the toilet I feel like I am going to hurl into my lap. I feel very protective of the life forming because it is in such a fragile time. I could have a miscarriage and all this hope would fly out the window. I am trying to spend less time in front of my computer, avoiding alcohol, smoke, and caffine, taking vitamins, and praying every minute. Food for me is a difficult thing. I am starting this pregnancy overweight and know this puts me at higher risk. I made a check list of foods I need to include every day, like an orange or broccoli, things that help the baby. As time moves on maybe I will go into a more restrictive diet, but for me that is hard. My former relationship with food always hangs the cloud of past anorexia over my head. When I met Bryce I has only been three years out of it and not I am over ten, however it still lingers. "If you put restictions on your eating you will fall into the trap again," "If you diet it says you don't like the way you look." I am hoping to get past this soon. I am trying to speak to myself in loving ways by encouraging myself to continue exercise and certain foods for the child. I also am letting myself go to bed when my body feels like it, or I am trying at least.

Friday, November 7, 2008

The Spirit of Pregnancy Assignment 1

Describe when you realized you were pregnant. What where you in the middle of? What did you want one more year for?

It was October 28, a Tuesday, and Bryce and I had come home from work exhausted. We had put in a full Monday 8am-12pm after returning home from Paducah to celebrate PaPa's 90th birthday, meet our new nephew Mason, and go to a halloween party. When we got home we took about a two hour nap. I watched a couple of episodes of The Office and then I went to the bathroom. Because I had not gotten my period yet I knew I needed medication to start it and a pregnancy test before I started it. However when I took the test it was positive.

There is nothing I want one more year for. I want to travel more, but I am still under the belief that can be done with child in tow. I guess we shall find out.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

You are already loved.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Presidential Election

While still in the womb you were able to be present at your first election where we voted for the nations first black President. It is an amazing feeling. Obama is so full of promise and a healer to a nation that has been broken.

Saturday, November 1, 2008


Today the women of spirations were told of your upcoming birth. Twenty some wise women drummed on their self made elk skin drums softly and whispered words of inspiration and hope to you. "You are loved" "You have chosen wisely" "You are a gift of the universe" etc. I was so nervous telling anyone because I was afraid you would leave. What a wonderful gift to have so many beautiful women praying for you. They were the ones who first told me I had to be patient and let you choose me. Now you're here and I need to remind myself to patient. Your development process is a gift.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Naomi was the first to know

Naomi Tegler (at work) was the first to know. She is getting married this weekend so this is her last day at the office or around town. I had to tell her and she was so excited. YAY!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

The day you were noticed

We must have conceived you on our third anniversary in Clear Lake. It was an amazing little vacation. After that I had signs I didn't connect, a drop in eye sight, an infection under my breasts, the feeling that I was going to die when going to the bathroom. I was about ready to go to the hospital for acid reflux. I took a pregnancy test to get a negative result in order to order more Clomid for fertility and the sign wasn't negative. I thought I was dreaming. I went to show your dad and he was so happy. We high fived, hugged, cried for about 5 seconds and then couldn't stop smiling at each other. We are so excited you are here. Sorry for the beer and calling you gas.