My body is telling me, but I'm scared

I recently read something that said if you have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome you are at greater risk for heart attack. This if the first time I read something that actually made me do a double take and think about my health, especially my weight. I have PCOS, which is the reason I had a hard time getting pregnant. The doctors gave me drugs, but also said that if I lost some weight I might increase my chances of conceiving without drugs. I didn't lose a thing. I did get pregnant however and I loved it. I loved it so much, I am looking into being a surrogate for women who cannot carry. I have interviewed two women who have been surrogates that I know personally. After researching I found that you have to be under 36, so my time is a little limited, and you have to be under 190 lbs. To my knowledge I am 35 pounds over that. (I haven't weighed myself in 5 months). So thus provides another reason to lose weight. Then there are the hip pops, the feeling in my knees that I need to be oiled like the tin man, the psoriasis on my elbows which can lead to arthritis, the nerves in my back pinching to point where I feel like I need to throw up, all of these problems list excess weight as a negative factor. When you're young you don't think about it too much, but at some point you hit a wall where you start listening to your body and it scares you a little. So infertility, heart attack, arthritis, knee surgery, hip surgery, back surgery, seeing a dream pass away. Everything is telling me to lose weight.
So what is stopping me? Fear. After struggling for years to overcome anorexia, gain back the 70 lbs I starved off me, love my body and see it as beautiful in all forms, I am afraid of losing weight. Just like alcoholic anonymous, I feel like I will instantly start being preoccupied with food, grams of fat and calories, number, jean sizes, how many days it will take. I am afraid that I will start hating the body I love so much now. I am afraid because there is no support network out there where women are not complaining about flabby rolls they hate or other negative talk. Why is there nothing out there about how women with eating disorders can effectively lose weight without having to enter themselves back into the scary world of weight loss.