I love my mom

I have never really admitted this before, but when I was in middle school I was so depressed and full of rage I not only had suicidal thoughts, but homicidal thoughts. At that time most of my angst was directed at my mother so she feel prey to my hysteria. I would secretly go into her closet and cut slices in her clothing, although I always choose outfits she never wore and were too small so she wouldn't find them (I don't think she ever did) and I once hid her wedding ring before she went on a trip so she wouldn't have it the whole time and then placed it somewhere she would have looked to make her feel like she overlooked it. The list could continue. Of course she was not completely innocent of doing hurtful things to me as well. I was the first child and got all the experimentation. However, what I feel most guilty about is the times I wished her dead. When I say I had homicidal thoughts I wasn't planning her death nor did I do anything that may cause her to have an accident, but I did often wish for a car wreck or something that would rid her from my life. As I think about this I think about what would have happened to me if she actually had perished during that time in my life. I actually think I might have been happy, but how horrid to think of that now. If she had died then would I still think she was evil or would I have realized that a lot of the issues were just inability to communicate and feel immense pain in feeling those emotions as a child. I think I would be in another depression just realizing my mother perished with the last thing she heard from me was "I hate you" or something of the sort.
Today I do complain about my mother from time to time. She still has the ability to make me feel like shit once in a while. I still take whatever she says to me with a grain of salt, knowing she is prone to exaggeration. She still has a flare for the dramatic in life (even when none exists). She still favors her only son. However, I love her beyond a doubt. I think about what life would be like if she had not been here after Link was born to help me move around or the joy in sharing a grandchild with her. I think about how I would be if I didn't have her to give me advice when I was needing it most in my career. My mom is there when I need her, she loves being my mom and I love being her daughter. I wish I could erase all the evil thoughts I thought and the evil actions I did, but instead I can only send my apology out into the world. I love my mom. Without her I would not be who am. Two things which I enjoy are the ability to tell a great story and a high tolerance to pain. My mom rocks. I love you mom.