Me and my nose

Besides smell there is one other thing that my nose is known for. Bleeding. I always had a bloody nose at school. I bleed the day my period starts. My nose bleeds if someone playfully squeezes my nose (always freaking out the unexpecting soul). My nose bleed in Hawaii when I went snorkeling. I wasn't even swimming yet. I just put my head under water and the pressure was too much. My nose bleed from crying to hard in Germany when I was lost and alone. I passed out from all the blood loss and hit my head on the bathroom door.
Now I have another problem. My nose is bleeding from the force of my vomiting. I don't usually throw up. I only remember two times in my life ever up chucking. But now it is a regular habit and my nose is not liking it. What do you do when you need to tip your head back or at least put a tissue around your nose when you are face down in the toilet? It is my newest problem.
In other news, I am not sure when you start to feel the baby move, but I am getting little sharp pains in different part of my belly. It may just be my uterus growing, but I like to think it is the little one's 1/4 inch foot pushing against my tummy.
I don't want to eat anything and yet until I eat something I am usually spinning around the room. I have been doing all the old tricks and now I almost gag at the sight of ginger ale and soda crackers.

Snapple Fact

The average smell weighs 760 nanograms.

My smells weigh a lot more these days. Nothing makes me sick, but everything is strong. Opening the fridge is an adventure. Every smell wafting together. Morning breath is killer. On Christmas it was epoxy from a gift my dad made. I smelt it all day long.

My bad; plus, thoughts on being a dad

We went to a place in Cedar Rapids to see about signing up for lamaze classes and other stuff. The lady there was very encouraging and pointed us toward some more resources like doulas and another area midwife.

We went to CR because I lost the keys to the car and we missed our first appointment with our doctor in Waterloo. By the time I found the keys (in the snow by the car) it was too late to get there in time. I felt terrible about it, because we were going to get the first ultrasound and see our baby. So I called to reschedule (for early January), and it seems that we wouldn't have gotten an ultrasound at that appointment anyway, which was news to us. So I'm going to call back and make sure that we will have one at this next appointment, because we're not feeling a lot of communication here.

I'm kind of nervous about being a dad. I'm afraid that I won't be a good enough disciplinarian, that our kid will run wild and get into more trouble than s/he can handle (I mean in the course of childhood/adolescence - how much trouble can an infant get into?). I want to strike the right balance between being compassionate and strict. I know I'll love the kid. I just want my love to benefit him/her, not be a hindrance.

this tiny body is see-through

"Phantom Anthills" by Chad VanGaalen

This tiny body is see-through
I caught it swimming inside of you
It might be trying to haunt you
It's barely there and it's lighter than air

ohhhhh...
but no one knows
ohhhh-ohhhhhh
but no one knows
ohhhhhh...

Goes to sleep right beside you
You were there as it swims through your hair
Could it be dreaming about you?
Could it be dreaming about you?

ohhhhh...
but no one knows
wohhhh-ohhhhhh
but no one knows

Bowl full of smelly jelly

I'm getting super disappointed about birth options. First of all I don't like any hospital I have interviewed. As far as midwifes I have loved talking to them on the phone but they are terrible at returning calls and e-mails. Maybe because they are super busy with babies, but geez, pregnant girls got worries.
There was a fabulous doula I meet with in Cedar Rapids. She was excited to hear I was doing a home birth and gave me the name of another midwife who I will call soon. She did inform me that lay midwifes are not legal in Iowa, which is confusing. I need to just go live in Wisconsin or Iowa for a month.
Another disappointing thing is I wanted to sign up for lamaze classes and such and everywhere I go they say I need to wait. I'm ready now and this pregnancy seems to be going really fast, but everyone says isn't moving at the same speed. It could be because there needs to be a build up of interested people before they have classes, being that our towns are not huge.
I am now at 12 weeks and should be having my first appointment with a midwife, but I haven't found one yet. On top of that I still think I might be turned out because of my weight. Everything I read says you need to be healthy to have a home birth. I consider myself healthy, I exercise daily, I am never sick (minus the baby sickness), and I eat healthy food, yet I carry every pound I eat on my body and that might be a problem. I'm not sure.
One positive thing is that I have not gained any weight yet. And with the baby only weighing 1/2 an ounce I shouldn't. Although sometimes the lack of weight makes me wonder if the little sprout is in there. I also wonder if I will have the nice rounded belly with the excess weight or if I will just look really fat.

Today's Topic: Boobs

I noticed some sensitivity right at the beginning, but not much more. I haven't even noticed much of a change in size, although maybe because I already am so big I there is room to expand inside. The only difference I notice is instead of just nipping out, my whole areola rises to the occasion. They look crazy.

A co-worker told me she started leaking before the baby was born. Another friend told me the baby actually doesn't get milk the first few times because it is the sucking action that brings it forward. So I am confused as to when the milk actually comes.

I decided to be more positive

I am being such a grouchy bear, so I am making a change. I am being nicer.
Hopefully the karma will work it's way over to baby and my body.

I figured since I am complaining so much about sickness, I would stop, yet still comment on what my body is going through in a more positive way.

Today's topic: Food Cravings
I have lived most of my life craving certain food at different times of my life. Once in college I searched high and low for sugar cookies with pink frosting. That is not even a taste, that's a color. Well, I'm in week 12 and I have yet to have any craving. The only thing I seem to want to eat is bland food. Also I am not liking hardly any vegetables. I eat mostly potatoes and pasta, all plain. I am drinking ginger ale but everything sugary is leaving that sticky sweet taste in the back of my throat so I prefer milk. As an added bonus I stopped caffeine immediately (no coffee or pop) and have started drinking plain water more often. Which is a shocker for everyone who knows me on an intimate level (I usually hate water).

I have been eating mint to calm me, but that has been my stomach unsetteler several times so I wonder if I will be taking this out of my diet.

Second Appointment gone

We were to have our second appointment on the 23 but instead Bryce lost the keys to our vehicle and by the time he found them (in the snow) our appointment was long over. Instead we still took the day off to go to Cedar Rapids to finish shopping and visit a place called "Birth, Baby, and Beyond." I was figuring it was a lot like the place in Boston where we went for baby CPR and it is but about 10 times smaller We did get some helpful information however and signed up for some classes later on.
Things are going pretty well. I am still on the toilet more than I would like to be and have a bit of an upset stomach, but I hope it will all go away soon.
I am really hating work. I miss Naomi so much. I think the other two I work with are talking about me negatively. I am worried how much of a pay drop I might take in switching jobs. I really just want a freelance job where I make $20 an hour or more.
I can anticipate when the new editor comes the girls will either blame my happiness (if it is there) on the fact that I am in a new position or in my second trimester. Anyway, I am getting to that stage where I don't want to go to work anymore, which I thought I would never have working at the newspaper.

Add one more to the list

Today I woke up with a new system, a cold sweat. I have never had this symptom ever before. It accompanied the most toxic feeling in my stomach ever.

Our Christmas card photo, coming to you soon. Sorry we are so slow.

I've got legs! Have you?

Shannon just told me that in its development right now, our baby is gaining the sense of its arms and legs. The term for this sense is proprioception, which I learned earlier this year. I think I read about a woman in Oliver Sacks' book The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat who suddenly lost her proprioception and was only able to move her body when she was looking at it (her story is described on the Wikipedia page).

So thank goodness for proprioception, eh?

My day

Barf, Barf, Nose Bleed, Barf, Barf, Barf, Headache, Headache, Barf, Sleep

The road to recovery

Still getting fever headaches, upset stomach, and gassy, but I see the finish line and I am running towards it. I am thinking the first half of 2009 is not going to be plagued with symptoms, just uncomfortable movements and sleeping.

My most vulnerable moment

One thing has been consistent ever since I got pregnant, even the two weeks before I found out. I have sudden and fast bowel movements. All my books tell me is ways to avoid constipation and that is the complete opposite problem I have. Today was the worst. Besides being on the toilet for most of the day, I also became incontinent while talking a walk. Fortunately, Bryce was my shinning knight. He got me quickly to a bathroom and came back with a fresh change of clothes. Now I'm afraid to go to sleep or be to far from a toilet. I feel weak.

Lets squash the worry bugs

Thanks to my mother I worry like it's breathing. My mom carries all her worry out front, I pack it away, except when it is something I just can't get over, like this baby. This week I was doing so well. Trish told me her birth story, Dani told me about how excited she was driving to the hospital both times to deliver. I read an incredible chapter on laboring in Birthing Within. Then today, wamm. It can't get close enough to our appointment on the 23rd. I need to see and hear this little fetus. I think because so many people know now I am worried that it will be my luck to misscarry. If it is not one thing to worry about it's another. This is how pathetic it is, today I spent a good 5 min or so staring at crap in the toilet wondering if I possibly aborted. Thank God I realized there probably would be placenta and arms and legs at this point, before I picked anything up. I also have taken more than four pregnancy tests just to make sure the little one is still there during the course of the three months. If my anxiety transfers to this kid it is going to come out shaking.

The baby bookshelf

1. Birthing from Within. Pam England. My favorite by far. It is all about emotions and making art. It starts with worry which I think is the first thing that was in my head, so it meet me at the door smiling.

2. The Spirit of Pregnancy. A collection of short stories and poems by published authors. This blog has some of the assignments posted. I was doing it as my regular meditation, but I realized I was getting to far ahead of myself and needed to slow down. No quikening happening yet. I borrowed this from Trish, but bought my own copy because I liked it so much.

3. Raising Baby Green- A signed copy by Mr. Greene himself. We are using it more for remodeling advice in our home than much baby stuff at the moment. The one chapter on pregnancy is eating organic, which we do occasionally. Much easier in the summer when we have the farmers market and clear roads that can take us to the Decorah Co-Op. I hate that just when I wanted Strawberries SOO bad, they went out of season, to the point they are not even at Walmart, the master of giving you everything you want at any cost.

4. Pregnancy for Dummies- Joanne Stone. Pretty practical stuff. More like a dictionary than a good read. Some of their charts and graphs are very helpful.

5. What to Expect when you're Expecting- Eisnberg. All my hippie moms I hang with hate the book, but I still have a little bit of mainstream in me. The book is a lot like Pregnancy for Dummies. Scares you more than anything, but it does have some answers to questions you can't find other places.

6. Meditations during Pregnancy- It's upstairs and I'm not in the mood to go get it just for the authors name. It is a weekly meditation with some suggestions to do. There is a 20 minute cd to listen to with guided meditation. Bryce and I have been doing it together and it is really nice. The only thing I dislike is the tense. I dislike reading books that say "Now I am in my 10th week and I am feeling the weight of my growing breasts." How accurate can that be for all women? However, I still ike the book

7. Mother Rising- Cortlund. I actually have not started this book yet.

8. Wise Woman Herbal Childbearing Years- Susan Weed. Another borrow from Trish. It's like an herbal book for all that is going on during and after pregnancy. I haven't gotten to far into it because I am not well versed in where to actually get many of these herbs.

This is all for now. I have had several other suggestions, just have not gotten to them yet. There is so much to digest, but I have six more months so not a problem. Book club only gives me one month.

Thanks for the ginger ale suggestion, I had it at work today and I have not been feeling bad since. And I haven't eaten ten thousand crackers either.


4.

Hey Mamas, I have a questions

I'm in week 10, I thought this was suppose to be going away, but maybe it is not morning sickness, maybe I can just feel my body too much. Does this feeling like some foreign object is growing inside you ever leave? I feel like I want to throw up all the time, even though I can't. My whole stomach just feels icky. I am ok for about an hour in the morning but soon after I am at work I get light headed so I grab a cracker or something, but then I feel yucky from the food. I feel like it is never going to leave?

New things about you

This week you are 1.5 inches. You are now a fetus ("Little one"). I think I will begin calling you little one today. Your tail is gone and your nose is here. Love you.

Meeting the Midwife

Last night the midwife I sought out called. She was able to answer a boatload of questions. I will have another appointment at Waterloo and if I don't have multiples or diabetes I am going to begin appointments with her. She is in Decorah and sounds very cool and experienced. She also gave me several video, book, and class recommendations.
She said Waukon is a friendly home birth hospital so if I want a place as an emergency option that is an excellent source.

Family Told

This weekend my mom's family got together, I guess for a late Thanksgiving or something. Anyway, John Giunta asked if I was pregnant and I had already committed to if anyone flat out asked me I would say yes so now my family knows. Bryce wanted to make sure his family knew as well so he called his parents, though he has yet to tell Joy and Kate. Actually he is doing it now. It is a lot easier now keeping the secret. It might not be so hard if my family wasn't around so much, but with the holidays I am seeing everyone.

I am realizing something as we tell people the news. Everyone thinks they know for some odd reason. Betsy said she knew because Bryce and I were holding hands in Kentucky. We always hold hands. I guess it is kind of like getting stuff not on your registry when you age married. You don't know what bothers you until after it has happened to you. I will stop saying that to people if they tell me. Though don't worry if you have.

More news on the homebirth

I talked with Ann Osmundson today. She had her 7th child at home near Elkader. She had a lot of helpful information. My main concerns with home birth are:

1. Is it legal- While internet is back and forth, the actual word of mouth is yes.

2. Am I too remote- Ann's midwife was from Cedar Rapids did not make it to her birth. I am 30 minutes away or more from any birthing center and the closest ones are not very reputable.

3. Where can I find a midwife and what about appointments- Cedar Rapids and Trish gave me an e-mail for one in Decorah. I do like my clinic in Waterloo however. Maybe I will do a few more appointments with them until I am sure.

There are several reasons why I want to do a home birth:

1. I don't want hardly anyone around, especially someone I hardly know.
2. I don't want to feel rushed or like I am doing something wrong
3. I want to deliver in whatever position feels comfortable
4. I want to have Bryce and I do the majority of everything
5. I think it is more natural

There are a lot more reasons, but I need to be sure I am doing what Bryce and I feel most comfortable with.

Bryce and I are saps

I'm not sure if you can open this or not but this video of a friend of mine made both Bryce and I tear up.

http://www.facebook.com/s.php?ref=search&init=q&q=aletha&sid=6df12a7344f2c92c631de98ede379535#/video/video.php?v=56639737056

Contradictions

So I'm feeling better but I don't like that either. When I'm sick I know your in there sucking my life away. When I'm not sure you are.
Tonight I got scared about money. I am stepping down from my position as editor because I am barely surviving the workload and demands alone I don't feel like I can do it at all when you get here. But if we want to stay home with you Bryce and I are going to have to be cutting back even more. So you will have your own costs but also your own time away from work costs. Wow, it gets expensive fast. But there are a lot of single parents who do it with 3-4 kids so we can do it with 1. In addition you are going to be so adorable I can hardly wait to spend all my time and money on you.
I'm still nervous about birthing. But again it a thing that is like, "if that woman can do it, I can do it."