PMDD

When I was a teenager I had severe depression. A lot of teens do. Overtime I thought I got a handle on it. A year after Link was born I thought I was starting to have Postpartum Depression. However, it came and went, came and went. I thought maybe I had some weird kind of Bipolar Disorder where you get severely depressed without having the extreme highs.
I just recently noticed that this coming and going is just once a month. Premenstrual time.
There is just something about my hormones that can't let my brain function normally for a 1-2 days each month. Fortunately I know that it passes. So that urge to end it all or become an escape artist and high tale it out of here goes away. Unfortunately my beautiful family has to deal with it 12 times a year. Bryce and I started our 5th anniversary with me in the throws of it.
I did some research to see if there is a type of depression linked with menstruation and there is. It is called PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder). It is not PMS, way too severe for that.
For about 3 years before I was pregnant I wasn't having a cycle at all and I never had a single depressed thought. I really wanted to menstruate and reclaim my fertility, but now that it is back I remember why I hated it sooo much.
Of course I am self-diagnosing myself and not going to a doctor for it. I really don't want to have to rely on drugs for anything, especially when the side effects of these drugs are sometimes suicide. Weird. Instead we are working out ways for my family to deal with it while I hide in the bedroom or closet all day and cry. I am fortunate to have such a loving husband who understands this. He made the bed (which never gets done) during my last episode and just that little unasked for task made a world of difference.
When I was a teenager I had a horrible relationship with my mother and I am sure this had something to do with it. She is very much a "tough it out" kind of person and she couldn't understand this behavior in me at all. I am this way with other illnesses, but I have a soft place for suffers of depression. I understand how much you do not want to feel this way, but the harder you try the worse it gets.
Part of this "tough it out" behavior is also what keeps me away from a doctor. That and the fact that a lot of applications I have filled out in my life (Peace Corps, Surrogacy, etc) have asked the questions "Have you ever been treated for depression?" with the follow up "If so you are disqualified."
So now that the breast feeding is less and the cycle is back, you may see me missing for a week each month or see a hate-filled rant that need not be paid much attention to. It's just the PMDD talking.